Join a winning team. (We have never won.) All positions are unpaid but come with "exposure," "equity in the management company" (worthless), and unlimited cold brew until the cold brew vendor cuts us off.
Investment Analyst (Unpaid)
Build TAM slides that say "$10 trillion." Must be able to nod thoughtfully
during pitches you do not understand. 90 hours/week. Compensation: a firm
handshake and a fleece vest (medium only).
Principal (Unpaid, Senior)
Same as Analyst but you get to say "I have conviction here" in meetings.
Bring your own laptop, desk, and salary.
Head of Platform (Unpaid, Visionary)
You will own "platform." We do not know what this means. Neither do you.
That is the synergy.
Chief Vibes Officer (Equity Only)
Maintain the firm's energy. Must own at least four pairs of Allbirds.
Reports directly to the espresso machine.
Scapegoat (Salaried!)
The only paid role. You will be blamed for every loss and named in every
deposition. Generous PTO (you will be on the run).
To apply, do not contact us. We will find you at a networking event and ignore you.