💩 SHITTY VENTURE CAPITAL, INC.

In the spirit of transparency, here are the due diligence memos we chose not to read before wiring the money. Each is one page. We did not even open the first one.

• Memo #001 - "Are They a Real Company?"
  Status: Unopened. We assumed yes. They were not.
• Memo #002 - "Does the Product Exist?"
  Status: Skimmed the title. Invested anyway. It was a Figma file.
• Memo #003 - "Background Check on Founder"
  Status: Skipped. He had a great LinkedIn banner. Turned out to be three people in a trench coat.
• Memo #004 - "Is the TAM Slide Made Up?"
  Status: Yes, but in a confident font, so we let it slide.
• Memo #005 - "Cap Table Review"
  Status: The cap table was a napkin. The napkin was also a competitor's napkin.
• Memo #006 - "Legal & Regulatory Risk"
  Status: We define risk as something that happens to other funds.
• Memo #007 - "Customer References"
  Status: Both references were the founder using different accents.
• Memo #008 - "Why Does the Demo Only Work on His Laptop?"
  Status: We never found out. We do not want to find out.

Diligence is just hesitation with a spreadsheet.